


always with me

by MandoGab



Series: a little owl [Clan Kryze] [2]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Childhood Memories, Dreams and memories, F/M, Family Feels, Fenn Rau is the best riduur and buir, Fluff and Angst, Korkie Kryze is a Kenobi, Satine and Bo's talks, Ursa Wren is a good friend, baby fever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:21:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29909313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MandoGab/pseuds/MandoGab
Summary: Satine Kryze died, but she remained in her sister's heart and thoughts forever. Memories with her are dramatic, sometimes beautiful... worth remembering.
Relationships: Bo-Katan Kryze & Atinla Kryze (OC), Bo-Katan Kryze & Satine Kryze, Bo-Katan Kryze/Fenn Rau
Series: a little owl [Clan Kryze] [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2194353
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	always with me

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this story for everyone who loves someone! ❤️

_I can't express how thankful I am  
That you were always with me when it hurts,  
I know that you'd understand_

_"SATINE!" She screamed, watching her older sister suddenly slide to the ground, falling almost limp. She tried to run to her, but her feet seemed to freeze to the floor and she could only watch. She just watch her sister bleed out on the spotless white floor._

_Satine matched the white and pristine. Satine matched perfection._

_Blood appeared around her body, creating a red stain on pristine white. Bo-Katan wanted to wipe it off, get rid of the dirt, leave Satine on a perfectly clean floor._

_Death was far from perfect._

_Satine did not die on the snow-white floor or in front of Bo-Katan. She was killed by a sword blow, in the arms of her beloved Jedi._

_And yet Bo-Katan saw her now, so distant, so peaceful, so… perfect. Her blue eyes gazed calmly into the eyes of her enraged sister. The redhead was neither calm nor composed. She tried to lift her foot, lift it off the ground, take those few steps to reduce the distance between them._

_"Satine!" Bo screamed, but only a soft whisper escaped her throat._

_Suddenly she felt enormous strength, took a few deep breaths, calmed her confused thoughts and tried to lift her foot again._

_Managed to. She set it a few centimeters away and picked up the other one as expected. She grinned broadly and looked at Satine again. That perfect Satine who gave her a soft smile._

_"I'll save you," Bo whispered, taking more confident steps and faster steps. She started to run, but it seemed as if the distance wasn't narrowing at all, she was still so far, watching the life slowly drain from her sister's body._

_Bo-Katan felt tears on her cheeks, but wiped them quickly and accelerated. The distance began to decrease again, the redhead could almost touch her sister..._

_She met with resistance. Satine was within reach, but a huge glass wall appeared between the sisters. Bo-Katan clenched her fists and struck the invisible matter. The glass didn't even shake. She tried again, with more force. With no effect._

_She started scream.  
Nobody heard her._

_She began hitting the glass with her fists and kicking alternately, but it came to nothing at all. Not even pain. She wasn't feeling the goddamn pain._

_Perfection.  
The pain was far from perfect, much closer to ugliness._

_"Satine," Bo whispered, sliding to the ground. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she watched her sister's last breath - one last draw of air, one last release. The last smile and the last look of blue eyes..._

_Blue eyes._

_Perfection.  
Perfection had blue eyes. If she were a person, she would look like Satine. She would be Duchess Satine Kryze of Mandalore._

_But perfection was not a person.  
And Satine was never perfect._

_"Satine," Bo-Katan whispered, then stood up and began to strike again, harder and harder and harder..._

"Bo."

She felt arms hug her body, blocking her sudden movements. She tried to fight them, but she was too weak or arms were too strong. Her legs were blocked as well, and only a sob, so far from a scream, escaped her throat. And she wanted to scream. Scream very loud.

"Bo. You're safe."

She tried to recognize the voice, assign it to someone she knew. It wasn't Satine's voice, nor Ursa's, nor Pre's... The voice was male, but calm, tender, caring...

"Fenn?" She asked softly, slowly lifting her eyes. He stared at her anxiously, holding her tightly to him. Her eyes were wild, glistening in the dark, searching for something real and alive. She tried to breathe, breathe in and breathe out. Breathe in and out, Bo-Katan. The man pulled out one of his hands and placed it on her cheek, stroking her skin gently, wiping away any running tears.

"It's okay," he whispered. "It's okay. I'm here, Bo."

Satine.  
_"It was just a bad dream, Bo-Bo," she whispered, hugging her younger sister. She wrapped a blanket together with the four-year-old, trying to calm the terrified girl. Bo-Katan was different than most children. She wasn't afraid of spiders or the dark. At the same time, she was like everyone else - she was afraid to be completely alone.  
"You were dead."  
"I'm here. It's okay. I'm here, Bo."_

Bo-Katan trembled in his arms. He didn't ask anything and she didn't have to answer. He only held her in his arms, not letting her fall apart. She wasn't always the strongest woman in the galaxy. Fenn was the only person, apart from Ursa Wren, who could see fatigue behind a gentle smile in council meetings.

Bo-Katan has been tough for most of her life. She was forced to do so, if she wanted to survive, she had to make decisions that she was not always proud of. She carried many emotions, feelings and memories. She missed, even for those who made her have dark thoughts.

"There are a few hours until dawn," Fenn informed her softly. Moments earlier, she had laid her head on his shoulder, hugging him tightly. His body was warm, alive, real.

"I don't want to fall asleep anymore," she whispered, feeling his hand tangling in her hair. He brushed aside a few unruly strands that hid her face.

"You need to take a rest. Use the time when Atin is asleep," 'he whispered back, directing his gaze to the nearby cradle for a few seconds.

"I feel like I can't dream about nice things. I can still see Satine, try to help her, save her... and there's still a wall of glass. I just keep looking. I just watched her world collapse."

Feeling guilty.  
There was a kind of sadness in her voice, maybe disappointment, Fenn couldn't quite define. He knew about the nightmares that arose when she fell asleep. She had better days and bad days, better and worse nights, and he was with her. He didn't like to part with her, even for a few days when he had to leave for duty. He wasn't afraid for her because he knew she could handle it - she was strong. He was afraid of nights like this when she would not be strong and when she would fall.

 _They lost everything_ \- their own families, friends, childhood and early youth, remembering only scraps lost in their wartime memories of the past. For people like them, there were no medals for survival, and no medals for victorious battles. The only thing left was to fight until the very end.

 _They gained everything_ \- their own family, friends, they lived their late youth in their arms, sharing their experiences and years of longing and guilt. They didn't even have a home of their own, Mandalore was still only within the reach of their quiet dreams. Camp on Concord Dawn was their resting place, a place where they planned to retake their home and lived, pretending to be normal. They did their best - for the little child who was the fruit of their love.

*******

_Even though I'm older now  
and I know how to shake off the past  
I wouldn't have made it  
if I didn't have you holding my hand_

_"I'll take care of her as best I can," Satine whispered, hugging little Atin, who, after crying for several hours, only calmed down in her arms. She slept soundly on her auntie's shoulder, her chest rising and then falling gently. The red hair stood out among the white, giving life to where the three of them had gone._

_Bo-Katan smiled slightly._

_"I would like you to be with us," the redhead whispered, stroking the little girl's hair. "She would love you."_

_Bo-Katan believed that deeply. Atin loved getting to know her people, she loved being around people, especially when they paid attention to her. She didn't know many children, her best friend and auntie was Sabine, who looked after her more than once._

_"You're a good mom, Bo-Bo," Satine said softly, handing the baby over to her. Atin cuddled up against the familiar warmth and smell of security. "Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I am proud of you, little sister."_

_Bo-Katan hated losing Satine again, saying goodbyes again, and going back to a reality that was deprived of her presence. Sometimes she needed an older sister so badly..._

Fenn handed her wet towels so she could try again to cool her daughter's body. She rubbed the baby's forehead, rocking the baby gently. She was pacing the cabin, feeling the tremors under her feet. They were returning home, and Atin looked perfectly healthy as soon as they left the Rebel base, where they left the baby with Sabine for a few days.

"I spoke to Ursa, we need to give her something antipyretic or take her to the medical station," Fenn said, sitting down on the bed. He rubbed his face with his hand, wishing he had the power to heal. He saw what the Jedi can do, how they perceive pain. He would have given anything to help his little daughter overcome the fever.

"We're in an Imperial-controlled space, we won't be welcome here," she sighed, still pacing back and forth without taking her eyes off the baby. Atin calmed down from time to time, tired of constantly crying. Bo-Katan was also tired and nervous, completely powerless against the fever.

"You should rest, Bo. I'll take care of her," he suggested, rising from his seat.

"I can handle."

"I don't doubt it, but she feels your nervousness," Fenn said gently, stretching his arms toward the baby. Bo-Katan, however, was relentless.

"We can land on Krownest in half an hour. Countess Wren obtained the antipyretic," Axe informed them, entering their private quarters without knocking. He felt a heavy atmosphere but asked nothing. Fenn returned with him to the cockpit, then collapsed into the co-pilot's seat. He took a deep breath, then exhaled loudly from his mouth. The friend looked at him as if he wanted to ask something, but at the last moment he gave it up.

The crying stopped for a few more minutes, then it was much calmer. Fenn felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he quickly put on his helmet and several minutes later report to the control tower. His voice was trembling, he was so uncertain. Terrified.

Atin squirmed in Bo-Katan's arms as she tried to move her mouth away from the bottle nipple. They mixed the medicine with milk, but still the taste was terrible and the girl didn't like it. Ursa tried to entertain her by showing her a plush owl - a favorite toy. Unsuccessfully.

"Hey baby, I know you don't like it, but it'll help you," Bo said softly, trying to focus her daughter's attention on her words. But Atin wasn't going to listen to her.

"Dada!" She screamed, stretching towards Fenn, who was sitting a little further away.

"Give him a chance, Bo," Ursa said, feeling the strange gulf between them. The redhead was tired, nervous, which made her not herself. 

He walked over to her with his arms out and she handed him the baby, then the bottle.

"Shhh," he whispered, rocking the baby slightly. His eyes were filled with tenderness, gentleness and peace. He smiled gently as the girl suckled on the teat and the milk slowly disappeared. The taste was terrible, but coupled with the look that expressed pure love, it wasn't all that bad.

Fenn was made for the role of a father, Ursa sometimes wondered why he hadn't become one sooner. She loved seeing his smile when his baby girl was around. Atin got along very well with anyone who stole her little heart, but when Fenn appeared nearby, he became her only choice. He was her dad, and also a protector and security, warmth and joy.

"Come on, Bo-Katan. You should rest," Ursa said softly, helping her friend to get up. She put the plush owl down beside her, pointing at it as she passed Fenn, holding the red-haired woman by the arm.

Bo-Katan was tired of crying and screaming.  
She lay down on the bed, almost immediately closing her eyes and falling asleep. Ursa left her alone, turned off the light and left the room.

_"Did you tell him?" Bo-Katan asked softly, watching her sister play with Atin on the pristine white floor. The girl was shaking the plush owl as if to make it suddenly come to life or make a sound._

_"No," she said, suddenly dropping her gaze. Atin looked at her and gave her a happy smile. She also held the soft toy towards her - mother always said it helped. A hug._

_"He always thought you were his aunt. You were his mother. You were Korkie's mother," Bo said softly, unable to believe it. She saw the resemblance, but never would have thought they had such a strong bond of blood._

_"It was hard, Bo. I was his mother and I had to hide it," she whispered, reaching out to pick up Atin and put her on her lap. "You don't have to. You can worry about her, openly fear for her life and safety. You don't have to hide how much you love her..._

_She smiled and pecked Atin on the top of her head. She was rocking the little girl as if to lull her to sleep._

_Satine was hidding her child while still being family to him. She couldn't say how proud she was of her child - he was always the child of their deceased sister who had no children. Nobody knew about it, and it was safer that way._

_Bo-Katan couldn't imagine her present life without Atin. She loved it when the girl called her "mama", when she held out her arms and smiled, and when she cried, she was sad and impatient. The woman loved her all the time. She hadn't planned a baby or had happiness with the man she had fallen in love with years ago, and her love for him never died out. She planned battles, moves, attacks - not her family._

_Now she couldn't live without them._

_She was a warrior and leader of the Mandalorian Resistance.  
She was the mother of 16-month-old Atin and the wife of Protector – Fenn Rau._

_She was still herself, still brave and strong. She still wanted to get Mandalore back and restore peace to her home planet. But she still had people with her to fight for, and if necessary, to give her own life for them._

She woke up when it was already dark outside, and completely silent in the fortress. But she was not completely alone, she felt strong arms encircling her waist.

She felt warmth, security, peace… she felt loved.

*******

_I need you to know,  
I would never be this strong without you  
You've seen how I've grown,  
you took all my doubts,  
'cause you were home_

_"You don't have to be scared, Bo. You don't have to be afraid of feelings, or sadness or love," Satine whispered.  
"I haven't told you this in a long time, Sati," Bo-Katan whispered back, embracing her and hugging her. "I love you."  
"I know, Bo-Bo. I've always known," she smiled. "Don't be afraid to be afraid, confused, lose control and love. Above all, don't be afraid to love. I will always be with you, little sister."_

_Always._

_It has always been perfect.  
A pure promise that had neither beginning nor end. There were no "always" boundaries._

_I will always be by your side.  
I will always love you.  
I will always be._

_Always._

"Bo?"

His whisper was like the most beautiful melody. She recognized her husband's voice as well as his arms around her waist, making her feel at home even though they were still far away.

"Where's Atin?" She asked quietly, looking around. There was no hidden feeling or nervousness in this question.

"She fell asleep. Ursa stayed with her," he whispered into her neck, making her feel his gentle breath on her skin. "She's safe. The fever has dropped. Everything is fine."

Bo-Katan nodded and opened her eyes to see the plush owl staring at her.

"Atin brought it while you were asleep. She wanted to give it to you, but I asked her not to wake you up. You were really tired, Bo," he murmured, explaining the appearance of the soft toy. Bo-Katan took an owl and examined it in the dim light cast by the bright moon. It was old and a bit worn, but was still Atin's favorite stuffed animal.

The girl hardly parted with her.

"I was worried about you, Bo," he added, kissing her hair. She put down the owl and turned to look at his face.

He was tired, but clearly calmed down.

"You're not indestructible, cyar'ika," he whispered, reaching out to brush hair from her cheek. "You don't always have to have everything under control."

She was trembling as she tried to stop it. She had been strong for so long, though she wanted to shout over Atin, she wanted to cry with her. She pretended to be coping, though inside she was a broken man who couldn't let go.

"You will never be indestructible," he added softly, placing his hand on her cheek and wiping a tear that suddenly spilled out.

"I'm sorry, Fenn," she sobbed, letting herself cry. And be afraid. And to be hugged as tightly as possible.

"Don't hide from me, Bo."

He smiled slightly, then pressed their lips together in a tender, calm kiss, conveying her accumulated feelings - love, hope and happiness. He conveyed something real, something she believed.

 _Home._  
If the home was a person, it would look like Fenn Rau. He would have blue eyes that looked at her with love and tenderness. He would have a beautiful smile that would recall her own.

But the home wasn't a Fenn.  
Fenn was a home. Her home. Her refuge.

_"Don't be afraid to love."_

"I love you very much, Fenn," she whispered between kisses.

Love was eternal. She was like "always" with a beginning and no end.  
Love was the theory of true happiness.

"I love you more," he whispered back.

"It was… corny."

"And real," he chuckled.

"Perhaps."

Love was not perfection because perfection didn't exist.

There were no perfect people and no perfect warriors. There were no perfect relationships and no perfect families.  
Satine was not perfection, not Fenn, not even Atin...

Perfection was perfection and love was love.

"You're always with me," she whispered sleepily, closing her eyes.

"And I'll always be with you," he whispered back, then kissed her lightly.

Always.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Song:** _"Control"_ by Zoe Wees
> 
> Thank you for reading, for kudos, for comments, for reviews and for love! 💙


End file.
